So here I am... I have stopped talking / thinking about starting my own diary and I am doing it.

In week 9 of my program I wrote in this forum for the first time and introduced myself. In that introduction I said that I was going to start my own diary but am now in week 18 and still have not done it. So here I am...

Some background info about me is as follows:

I'm 27 years old, live in Adelaide and I have been overweight all of my adult life and all of my childhood even though I was quite active. I started the program on 2 May 2007 weighing in at 112kg after what I believe was fate happening. After years of telling everyone else to ‘stop talking about it, just do it’ for things they were thinking / talking about I had it thrown back at me in the same smart ass tone I often use. The rest just happened and it's actually quite a nice story, I will share it sometime I am sure - I just don’t want this first post to be a book in its own right.

I have been fortunate to have had a wonderful and fulfilling life so far, however, like everyone else I have certainly not without some very hard times, many of which I have had to work very hard to move on from, some are still with me every day. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and I really do believe that the best times of my life are still to come. I look forward to getting older and having more experiences. I'm certainly not one of these people who wish they were still 18 or 21!

The wonderful and exciting things that have most imprinted my life, and which I may refer to often when writing, have been living in the US for 12 months as an exchange student when I was 16, having the opportunities to have travelled Australia and at the minimum see each capital city but also much of the country side along the way, to have also lived in the UK when I was 23 for 12 months and also the privilege of travelling around Europe for 3 months in addition to that. I had the honour of being able to visit the small village in Slovakia that my beautiful, however recently passed, Oma was born and grew up in, easily one of the most significant experiences I have had in life. I have had wonderful friends who have always accepted me just the way I am and for who I have grown into be. And lastly, but certainly not the least significant a beautiful sister who is my absolute best friend and wonderful parents who have allowed me to experience life as it was meant for me. Wow - that actually just had me very emotional, especially writing about my sister, we are very close.

I also have a lovely boyfriend of three years (now referred to as LB) ha ha that's just made me giggle because my initials are LG, hence the Life's Good and his are LB... anyway a LB who have been nothing but fantastic through this whole experience, however I do think some of his support has been because of the benefits he also seems to be getting!

Some of the negative things of my life that have at the end of the day been horrible but have made me the person I am have involved relatives (surprise, surprise I'm sure! ha ha) and also an OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) I have had since I was 8 years of age. This I will refer to often which is why I have mentioned it because Dr Cohen's has also helped me almost completely overcome this and for me that’s HUGE!

I think a lot about what life after Cohen's is going to be like because I have so much ‘life’ to schedule in. I have always been one to keep adding things to the list of must do's and when I am in control of my life I will be able to achieve these. In the past I have put restrictions on them because of my weight, how I look and my general health. Basically made excuses… well no more!

As I said at the top I have always been an active person and I actually love to exercise, swim, ride, run whatever, and be in the outdoors, water sports, hiking, camping whatever. I have always just ‘loved’ over eating and making poor nutrition choices. I have set myself a number of goals to ensure I keep myself in check when the program is over and it is up to me to do it for myself and stay healthy for life. No more yo-yos (biscuit or otherwise!).

Goals (in no particular order and some of these are in my 10 year plan of things to achieve and towards the 7-10 year end at that) for me to achieve, for me, and no one else. This is what I WANT OUT OF LIFE - MY NEW FOUND LIFE! Some are big feats; some are small things that hold some significance to me!
1. Complete Certificate IV in Fitness and become a personal trainer - Still haven't decided if I will actually train others or not but the main reason it to have the knowledge and skills to keep myself in good health.
2. Participate in a triathlon.
3. Do the Kokoda Trail - A dream of both LB and I and is scheduled for next year!
4. Everest Base Camp (as mentioned some are towards the end of the 10 year plan)
5. Continue to manage and keep OCD in check by keeping processed foods to a minimum along with additives and preservatives.
6. No. 5 will therefore allow me to have a lovely full, thick head of hair which I want to dye BLONDE - only colour I have never experimented with!
7. Participate in Adventure races with my LB
8. If I want a 'sometimes / moderation' food that I can make (i.e. pasta, bread, etc) I will make it from scratch as apposed to buying it. Cut out nasties, save money and also have the effort make the experience much better - that is if I can tolerate it when finished to start with!
9. Make 'me' time every day instead of feeling lucky if I find some!
10. Overcome my fear of change rooms for fear of relapsing into a depressive states.
11. Be a great healthy and active role model to my two gorgeous nieces, family and friends and be sure to be a positive force in their lives.

There are a few more but those are the one's I need staring back at me from my diary pages to remind myself who I am doing this for, me of course, and why, because I want to be able to do these things.

Well it looks like it's become a book anyway. I guess it is my diary though! Please visit me and offer any advice or guidance along the way and certainly if you think I may be able to help you please ask. It's always good to know you have been useful or have made someone's day a little brighter!

I have a lot of energy to give these days...

Lauren

Lauren- Good for you! Thank you very much for sharing your feelings!! It's all positive. Life is good & yours will only get better! I look forward to reading more of your diary. It's very therapeutic. Cheers Cate.

Wow you have an amazing storey. I can so relate to your storey. I have always been a fat fit person (because I am an emotional eater). Well done, you are almost there.

KGB

Today I’m not feeling so well and am finding it very hard to focus and concentrate. To cut a long story short we went up to the ‘in-laws’ for fathers day and all of LB’s family have cats to which I’m allergic. Anti-histamines work great for symptoms such as sneezing and red itchy eyes but do nothing to stop the allergens from settling in my lungs and again, as I already have 4 times in the past 8 months, I have bronchitis. I’ve been pushing through and making sure I have plenty of rest as soon as I get home and early nights but you always have to get to stage 2 (expelling a lung) before it leaves the system and at around 2am this morning stage 2 started. So today I’m tired, flat, sore and just generally crap! I’ve got my last day of my second to last module for my diploma tomorrow which I guess is better than work because it requires basically no mental stimulation at all, although it probably should because I am going to learn but the lecturer for this module is particularly monotone, but it’s still not my bed! At least we have nothing planned as yet for the weekend and I can have a good rest and relax!

Last night I went to my sisters to give her a hand with the girls as my brother-in-law is away for business. Miss K is 21 months and Miss P is 6 months so as you can imagine she has her hands full and when BIL is away my sister really needs the adult company / break. They live about 5 minutes from our house, if that, which is great and it also means I often pop through every couple of days on my way home. Due to busy schedules in the last fortnight though we haven’t seen each other at all so I have looking forward to seeing them all. My sister and Miss P are also unwell at the moment which has really put a strain on and when I got there my sister looked completely knackered. Miss K loves to play with her Auntie ‘Nonnen’ and I got lots of hugs and cuddles and we played at her table and then she went to find a book that I had bought her last month so I could read it to her. After reading it about 8 times and Miss P being up and down we finally got them both tucked into bed and my sister and I got to spend some time having ‘adult conversation’. Next time we looked up it was 9pm and I still hadn’t eaten and she was ready for bed herself so I headed home, whipped the quickest meal possible together and then sat on the computer surfing the net and talking online to friends to help pass the 2 hours so I could hit the hay! LB came home from his work dinner just after midnight, very chirpier and walking in a jiggered line, and wanted to sit up and talk but I eventually convinced him to go to sleep where I think I ended up getting about an hour of good rest before I had to try and sleep upright!

My sister really noticed another change when she saw me last night. Even when I see her 2 or 3 days apart she has said she can see my body just completely transforming. We grew up being fat together but her switch flicked when she was about 19 and has always since then been much slimmer than me but we both have still yo-yo’d a bit through our ranges. Mine was usually 16-18’s and hers 12-14’s. We have on numerous occasions done a lot of the other programs (WW etc) together and really supported each other through it but they have always been short term fixes. She’s lost the baby weight from No. 2 without too many dramas but I think my progress has given her the inspiration to get back into a comfortable 12. Sometimes it feels bizarre to be of similar size as we haven’t been so in a good 10+ years. When she had Miss P she borrowed my 16 jeans until she got into her 14’s which worked out to be the same time I was reaching the 16’s and since then we have been able to call on each other to get us both through transitions down the line. It will be really nice to be able to swap and share again though, mainly just for special occasions. My sister has been my positive force through this program. Not that I’ve struggled to stay on track but her constant encouragement has been great. We are both very honest so I always know she’s not just saying it to be polite or nice. We she had a second girl we all cheered, we would have been just as happy if she was a boy, but just know what we are like we all just hope that Miss K and Miss P grow the same bond. The first thing my BIL said to me was ‘I have been hoping it was a girl so that they can share what you two have because it truly is special’. That is just a lovely memory that I will never forget!

I don’t seem to be getting much about the program down but I have found that each meal and each day is just my routine now. That all just happens. It makes the rest of my life and schedule work because they work around me getting my sustenance when I need it. Previously I couldn’t get through an afternoon without my kit kat and coke, I actually thought that without it I couldn’t function. Now because I am giving my body the right types of food and in the way it needs it ‘I’ now make my afternoon/day/night happen. The only thing I rely on is me. Me making the right choices for me. I no longer rely on that kit kat, or that coke, or that donut etc to make me ‘feel’. I truly used to believe that those types of things would make me happy when I actually knew, but wouldn’t admit to myself, that they were the things making me miserable. I feel like this program has given me the power to believe in my choices. I choose to be in control of my life. I remind myself of this everyday and will have to for the rest of my life. You get control from taking control. It’s like the rich get richer because they have the means to invest etc etc. In everything we do we have at least two choices. I will not always choice what is right. If I don’t as long as I learn from it and take the lesson on board I am still one step ahead. I knew most of what this program has taught me before I started. I knew 6 cans of coke a day was really really bad for me but I was choosing not to take that lesson on board because I was choosing to make that the thing that would get me through the day. I put the control in the can/s of coke. I let it control me. Where as now – I control it. I control that urge because I am in control. Now I’m just rambling and getting caught up in it all. I should probably delete it but wont because when I’ve finished my refeed and am out on my own I may need to revisit it. At the moment it’s as easy as ‘it’s not on the list’ but when that list goes is when the real challenge and control will begin.

Well that’s a massive post… If you made it to the end – thanks for reading!

Hopefully when my heavy head goes my fun with come back. Being sick makes one feel serious.

Have a great day!
Lauren

Lauren, I'm with you today. We'll put it down to the day. I, too have felt c...p! I'm thrilled to be reading some-one else's diary instead of just typing in mine. Don't delete anything. This is a warts & all thing. It's all a part of the process of working ourselves out & trying not to make the same mistakes as before. After re-feed is both scary & exciting. It alternates. Today was not good & I feel I made bad decisions & subsequently feel dreadful. Tomorrow's another day! Cheers, Cate.

Lauren! Thanks So Much for starting keep a diary! Its wonderful being able to get a sense of "knowing" about a person. Thank you for sharing some of those issues, as I can imagine that they were not easy to post where everyone can see and make comment. Well done for being Brave... but I agree with you... these diaries are about our Journey's and for us to reflect on our journey now as well as in the future.... to remind us of all that we have accomplished as well as the struggles that we have faced.

It sounds like you have set yourself some amazing goals, not just physically amazing but challenging personally, and I think sometimes it is those Goals that can challenge us the most, because we are constantly battling learned patterns of thinking and behaviour, that we have built up over the years... but it sounds like you are really working hard to change the way you think as well as the way you are physically... That...I believe is not only the key to succeeding in this program but the key to succeeding in our lives!

I also love the fact that there is someone else who writes long posts about what's happening for them...! Thanks!

Bless ya
Kath

Thank you for your lovely words Kannadew. I will have to stop apologizing for rattling on so much! I have always been know as the chatterbox in the family. I think it comes with being the youngest in my immediate family as well as both extended families. Being the youngest I had to learn pretty quickly to be able to be a part of everything but then there is also a story among the family of me talking to the taps during a vacation! I guess when you’re the youngest no one ever wants to listen to you either so you find other ways and means! Ha ha
Well I’m feeling better today but still flat compared to my usual self. I still have no real taste or appetite either which has been frustrating so today I each meal has just been my quick chuck together meals of a boiled egg with grilled mushrooms and slices of tomato on saladas for breakfast, lunch was my no-carrot coleslaw (therefore just cabbage, mozzarella and mayo), and my dinner was beef and mushroom goulash with cabbage pasta. I had all of my fruit during the day as snacks and am actually a little frustrated at myself now because I’m a tad peckish! I usually cut my orange up into 8th wedges and have 4 for morning tea and 4 for afternoon tea and then I still have a piece of fruit for when I get home or dessert if I want something else. And with the size of the oranges at the moment that has been more than satisfying. I quite like a bowl of honeydew for dessert as it’s really refreshing but as I said earlier my taste is gone at the moment other than the horrible sore throat taste you get when you have one! I might go and put the kettle on and have a green tea as that generally hits the spot for me!
I’m quite excited for when I finish to be able to try some of the teas my MIL is mixing herself to sell in their health food shop. They just look delicious and I’m sure most of them would be fine to have while on the program as their just teas, mainly herbal, with added flowers and blossoms etc but a couple of them do have dried fruits and I have just said to her to be safe I will just stick to the green and pu-erh tea I have had from the beginning. They all just look so lovely and I look forward to trying them all. She actually put me onto the pu-erh tea and it’s one she has been also been packaging up herself. It’s supposed to be very good to help with digestion and weight loss and is just normal tea that is fermented / prepared in a specific way. It has a lovely mild flavour and have found it to help in the BM area also. Not as well as the laxative teas but so much kinder if you know what I mean. I hated having to take them because of the agony it would put me through. Sure it’s only a short time but I would prefer to not intentionally case that effect on myself. I don’t find it as instantly thorough but at least now since I have been having a couple a day it actually happens more regularly. Anyway, enough of that talk! Ha
Today I was at tafe all day and thankfully that was my last day for that module and I only have 1 more module of 3 days left. That starts later this month and it’s with my favourite lecturer so at least I know it wont be such a snooze fest and I might actually come out of it having learnt something. It was even more boring today because my friend is sick too and decided not to come so it was just me and all the middle age men who treat me (as if being a woman isn’t enough but also because of my age) like I don’t have a right to be there! Megs and I usually just have a laugh at their ignorance because not only at we both in our mid to late 20’s but we are already successful in our careers in the chosen field and many of them are still trying to get into the industry. Out of the class of 18 there are 3-4 of the guys who we get along with well or have worked with on assignments or group projects and are of similar age or a little older and don’t care that we are there and doing a bloody good job at that but a number of the older one’s are constantly making remarks like ‘well the girls wouldn’t know what we mean’ or ‘these generation X kids are trouble in the workplace and don’t get the big picture’. Apparently just because we were born in the year range of 1980 to current we have no work ethic, want everything handed to us on a platter and wouldn’t know loyalty if it smacked us in the face. What they don’t realise is this kind of chatter just makes us more determined and focused and then there’s always the bit we throw in just to try and upset them, as the only reason they carry on like this I’m sure is for bait and to see if we will bite, is ‘just remember how you are speaking to us now when you are on your pension and we are ruling the world!!!’ha ha ha… We just see it all as a bit of a laugh… And I love to take the tommie rough bait and throw back a snapper! As they say if you don’t laugh, you cry! I hope that doesn’t all come across the wrong way. I guess the best way to describe my sense of humour is very dry, sharp and sarcastic – I don’t actually think I am going to rule the world! Ha
My sister just left my place as the first Friday of every month we have a scrapbooking night here. Her back as been playing up so she left pretty early compared to normal. I am currently putting together a catalogue of recipes on my computer from family favourites to the type of meals I want to eat when I’m finished reefed. I have found a great website that has hundreds and thousands of no carb, low-carb, low fat, no dairy, gluten free etc etc wonderful recipes so I am putting them into my ‘Notebook’. What a great program – you’ve got to love Microsoft sometimes – Genius! Well I am going to go back to my recipe collection. I just found a great sausage recipe that was in a magazine (Aust) this month that was a chicken mince, feta and spinach sausage and to make it a sausage they just wrapped the mince, cheese and veg in a piece of prosciutto… it looks amazing! Cant wait to try that one out!
I hope everyone has had a lovely day and has a great weekend.
Lauren

Oh – My dad called today and asked me if I could attend a corporate function with him next Wednesday night because my Mum isn’t keen on going. I jumped at the chance as it’s not only been so long since my dad and I have done something like this together (I used to attend all such things with my dad) and also because I LOVE Snow Patrol (UK Band) and then thought ‘ARRRRGH – What am I going to wear???’ I did a quick search through the wardrobe and luckily had bought some lovely things while living in London which are now fitting me again and I found a black slinky size 14 dress. My sister said I have to wear that and I look amazing so we also took some snaps since I haven’t take during my to date transformation. I will be standing in the middle of the room with confidence and I cant wait. I’m so excited. 4 months ago I would have worn a big chunky coat and sat in the corner of the room avoiding everyone's eye contact.
That's not the person I am but it was certainly the person my weight made me become! I feel like me again and I know it's still going to get better!

On Wednesday night – No one puts ‘Baby’ in the corner! Ha ha

Hi I can so relate to sitting in the corner hoping that no one notices. Enjoy

KGB

Thanks for your post KGB - That's why we're all here though! We are making changes to not feel the way we do / did as that person!!! Good luck...

Well this weekend has been just so lovely for me. I have been feeling much better than what I was for most of the week. My taste and throat still aren't quite there but there has been a steady improvement. I ended up having quite a late night on Friday night, I'm usually asleep by 10.30pm at the latest unless we are out or something. I have always been a night owl and never an early riser. I have always struggled to be at work on time and would never start before 9am, even if I got up at 6am to go swimming I would come home and climb back into bed. On weekends I would never be out of bed until 10 at the latest and would rarely crack a civil coversation with someone until the clock struck 12 noon. And then I would be lively into the night. Since being on this program because of the routine I bounce out of bed on 6am, most mornings before my alarm even goes, and then I'm in bed by 9.30 but like to be there by 9 so that I can get an hour reading in before it's shut eye at 10 on the dot. I cant wait to be able to excessively exercise again because my 1km in the pool of a morning will now be not such a struggle to make! Anyway, instead of my 6am rise (yes, even on weekends now I'm up and at it) I slept till 8.30am. I obviously needed the extra shut eye. My LB has also been really unwell and was dead to the world so I left him in bed and got myself breakfast. He woke up so I made him some bacon, eggs and smoked salmon and then he went straight back to bed. While doing the dishes I was inspired by the glorious weather and the feral state of our backyard and set myself a mission to try and attack some of the jungle so that when I look out the kitchen window (which is often) it provides me with postive energy instead of frustration and anger! I ducked off to the hardware store for some new gardening gloves just for me (we have 100's of working gloves around the place which I wear when I need to but they are all way too big) and some potting mix and potted colour etc. I got most of what I needed there but none of their potted colour appealed to me so then I went to the local nursery. I bought some lovely purple pansies and some pink and purple other pretty thing and set home determined as a bull! (afterall I am a taurus!). And then I worked like a bull! I pulled all the grass and weeds that had transported themself into the garden beds and through the pavers. I ripped up some rotted sleepers and got rid of everything that wasn't supposed to be where it was! I then got some big terracotta colour pots from the shed and potted my colour, took out all my indoor plants because they could do with an outdoor holiday and arranged them all nicely in front of the kitchen window against the shed. I was completely knacked but so thrilled with myself and felt wonderful! I only came inside for an orange and a cup of tea early on (I needed the sustenance big time - I not been this active since being on the program) and my lunch which I put a new spin on after BHG on Friday night. I poached my chicken but in the water I put a couple of garlic granules, a dash of tarragon, some oregano and a bayleaf. The chicken was a lovely yellow colour and had a very mild twist of flavour. It was so delish that I had the same again today but also made it for LB, although before putting his in the bowl I mixed it through some mayo and lemon. A cohen's version of Coronation Chicken!
When we bought the house the big backyard was the biggest drawcard with LB being from the country and me always wanting a yard we could be active in. We gutted the house and fully renovated that before moving in but the outside renovations are on hold while we save $$$ to do them as we want them. The front we have been able to do in stages and is getting there but the back initially will be mostly excavated as there are a is a lot of concrete garden beds and paths. There is also a lot of lawn but it was only last month that we got around to buying a lawn mower. We have been slack with keeping it maintained and has got us both down in the mouth of recent times. Buying the lawn mower was supposed to get LB out there to tidy it all up but he is always so busy with work, study and helping everyone else out. We keep saying to each other that when it comes to us needing help we have a lot of buzzi-bee karma coming our way! It's still at least another 6-8 months before we can get the site excavated, deck built and yard landscaped but there is no reason why it cant look good in the mean time. I have been wanting to get out there but have found it quite daunting. Not only because of the state it was in but also because I dont know the first thing about being in the garden. I have always wanted a green thumb but have certainly not been blessed with one. When I stepped back and look at what I did over a period of 4-5 hours I was amazed. Suddenly it wasn't so daunting to give more a go. At 4pm LB woke up and nearly fell over at what I had done. Suddenly he was inspired too and we sat down to plan out what we would do today. I wish I had taken a before photo but was too embarrased to photograph what it was like at the time. I just didn't realise it would come up so good so quickly. It's still not great and isn't what it will be like when we have finished with it but for the time being it's great enough. Today was EnviroCare Sunday with the local council where you can take all your lawn clippings and plant prunings to the Enviro dump for free so we loaded the ute up and took everything away immediately. It's just such a great feeling. We are now back in control of that too and it was all relatively painless. Except for the 'I have worked a muscle and forgot what that felt like' feeling I have in both glutes and hamstrings everytime I got to sit down or stand up! It's been so long since I have exercised those muscles I guess!
I've spent a glorious weekend in my garden and I feel a better person for it! The weather being this good also helps!
Well better go put some dinner on and get some short hand practice in! I've been a bit slack this week with my practicing and we have a test tomorrow night on our progress.
I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and their weather was as nice as we have had here in Adelaide.
Here's to a great week ahead!
Lauren

WOW!! Well done Lauren!!
Hopefully you'll inspire me, xo Cate.

Well yesterday was my first day of my new outlook being in place where I also had my routine and I must say - I love this new life I am choosing for myself! Just by doing a few extra little things that take barly no time at all I am giving myself much more piece of mind and calm. I started the morning up and about at my set time, breakfast, breakfast dishes, shower, dressed, face on, washing machine on delayed start for 10 hours and out the door with still 10 minutes to spare. Driving to work was a joy, listening to my favourite breakfast show via my iPod, and at my desk raring to go. I did think wow I feel great - I wonder how long this is going to last, and this motivation and new outlook. I gave it one week and then thought thinking like this is actually easily and less stressful then how I thought previously so reassessed it and IT WILL LAST FOREVER, or at least until my next revelation hits! ha I live by the fact that if you make things easy people will do them. I have to - I work as a risk and OHS practitioner and if systems aren't easy people just wont follow them even if they are in their best interest!
Then 2.23pm, to be exact, happened and out of nowhere I was having trouble breathing. My damn respiratory is really setting me some challenges at the moment. I just got over my thankfully mild bronchitis last week then it just packed up. I did everything I thought and managed to start getting some deep breaths in over the next hour but even today I have noticed I am just taking quick shallow breaths. I have an dr appointment tonight about some other things so I will just get her to check my lungs out while I'm there. I still went along to shorthand with the view that it's in the city and if it was getting worse or still in a way that concerned me at least I was close to the private hospital that has an ER. I told my LB that I would call him (his at Tafe Monday nights till 10.30pm) if I went there otherwise I would just go home and call a locum if needed. After shorthand I felt a lot more relaxed and felt back to normal so I just went home and jumped straight into bed as I was pretty fatigued, well I did have the breathe taken out of me, and propped myself up to ensure I kept my chest open.
Today I have woken up fine, just still a little tired though!
My mum made me laugh and kept saying but you were being so positive and you had your revelation. I had to remind her that nothing has gone wrong with my brain and outlook, it was just my lungs!
Last night in my desire to just get home and relax I forgot to stop by the shop and get some salad veg and mushrooms so I just had the most pathetic lunch which I didn't enjoy in the slightest. I had tuna and shredded cabbage! pathetic. I must remember to stop at the shops on the way home though because tonight is seafood platter night at the G&B household.... mmm my favourite - crumbed calamari & prawns, lettuce, tomato, mushrooms, lemon wedges and mayonnaise. Just delish!
I also cant wait for Saturday as it's our big monthly shop. Because I get paid monthly and my pay does the morgage, bills, groceries etc and LB is just for savings, extras, unbudgeted and 'wants' (that he deems as needs) the Saturday after my pay day we go and get all our groceries, meat, well everything for the month and then weekly we just go and get our fruit and veg. I tend to actually go every 3-4 days for that. I what I need for the next few days and then when I've got a day's worth left I go again. We have a great fruit and veg shop just 400m from our door step that only stock SA and local fruit and veg. Sometimes it can mean we pay a bit more but as long as I have so much fruit and veg in our diets I want it as fresh, crisp and tasty as possible. So that's this Saturday and then Sunday we will have our production line of weighing (mine only) and ziplock bagging and labeling all the meat and chicken to go into the freezer. Oh and also mincing too. I get the big old Kenwood that my mum and dad got as a wedding gift 36 years ago out and we mince all our own meat and I portion that up to. At the moment I keep looking in the frisge and freezer and get nervous. I like our big shop weekends because I like to see everything stocked. I just makes life so easy. I've just realised I think I'm going to feel a bit lost when it comes to refeed and all the portion weights constanstly changing... ohhhh the joy to come.
Well my lunch break actually finished about 10 minutes ago so I better get back to it! I will pop back tonight to see if there's any action going on in here.
I hope everyone is having a great week so far.
Lauren

As mentioned in a previous post I am going out to night to the Snow Patrol Concert with my pa pa (dad). I was all set to wear my dress which looks lovely but now think it will be a bit too cold for that since I now do actually feel the cold! So I thought black pants, a dressy top and my stiletto boots except the 14 work pants I currently have are starting to look like I’ve had an accident! I tried the size 12 jeans I bought on sale over the weekend and I still have a week or two until they are ‘comfortable’ enough to wear. But them being jeans I thought I would duck up to Kmart at lunch and try some black pants on.

Well well well… other than the horrid dressing room attendant I grabbed 4 pairs from the casual / going out type clothes area and as assumed they were like my jeans. Could do up two but they were unsightly and extremely uncomfortable due to being too tight and two actually did up but were still a bit tight. I thought oh well another couple of weeks – no problem. Then I thought while I’m here I may as well just try on a size 12 from the workwear section as work clothes are generally a slightly bigger make. Well they slide on like a glove, fell and wore exactly like they should and no muffin top!!!

YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!! I called my mum in excitement on the way back to the office to tell her that I can say in a limited manner I am now a size 12! I said I wouldn’t even know when I last fitted into a ladies size 12 – she informed me it was when I was in 7th grade at school which means I was 12 years old when last a size 12… 15 years ago!!!

What a great feeling this is and what a great start to my first proper night out since starting the program!!!

Have a great day everyone!

Lauren

Lauren-Congratulations!!!
Hope you have a fantastic night with your Dad, cheers, Cate.

Well last night was fantastic. The concert were great, they were actually better live than recorded. I quite often find myself at concerts thinking I would prefer to be listening to the CD so that was a nice change.

I dashed home and put my dinner on to be ready when I got out of the shower. I was on a race against time! I shovelled my dinner down, did the hair and make up and then couldn't figure out which top to wear. A couple of them I didn't feel comfortable in and wondered how I used to wear them OS without not a car in the world but I guess that was 4 years ago now too and my tastes and style have further developed! I finally left the house feeling great and ended up wearing one of my favourites, which mind you I haven't been able to wear for 3 years now!

We got there before any of the other guests and it turned out that our pubs actual rep was sick and they got someone else to cover. So all this and LB could have come anyway. I did feel for my poor old dad. It wasn't really his sort of concert and everyone who had been invited into the box were all under 30. One of the reps and her husband were more in the late 30's early 40's bracket but then there were 8 of us who were youngens. Dad seemed a bit uncomfortable all night which made me a bit sad but I think that's more him being uncomfortable with himself at the moment. It was interesting when the other pubs people arrive because they just got our names whereas dad introduced me as his daughter to the hosts of the evening. At one stage I went and got another drink and stood next to dad and he put his arm around me and a couple of the youngens from the other pubs made a snigger and giggle assuming that I was my fathers dolly bird and he was my sugar daddy! I must admit this isn't the first time this has happened. My family is very close and affectionate and I am daddy's little girl through and through. Quite often you will find me sitting on my dad's knee apposed to LB's. People assume thing and in the past we have had humour with it, especially when a man in his 60's once came up dad while we were in a cafe waiting for my mum to arrive and he said to him 'how did you find yourself a mistress like that? You must be doing alright'. When I say we're affectionate - we're not that bloody affectionate! ha ha When that happened I was on a mission over the rest of the night to tie into a conversation that I am his daughter. I managed that and funnily the girlfriends of these guys were all of a sudden a lot friendlier and we all had a laugh. Dad and I had a laugh about it on the way home - it was just absurd!

There was everything imaginable available to drink and dinner consisted of rice, curry, somosa's (sic), wedges, dips and warm flat bread etc etc etc. I just stood back with my soda water and told them because it was last minute with my mum falling ill I had already eaten dinner but thank you anyway. No one said anymore about it which was great because I've never tolerated people trying to force food down my throat, even when I did a job job of that to myself. I just alternated between soda water and plain water and then made myself a cup of tea. Didn't bring up the plan or make a big deal about anything. When offered the alcohol I just exclaimed 'I'm designated driver, but thanks anyway'. During the concert I went in to get another water and one of the girls complimented me on my appearance. I grabbed another water and she said 'and wow... how good have you been tonight. Do you not drink at all or is it just because you're driving? When I come to these things I cant get enough of the free booze into me'. She was the same age as me and we really clicked earlier on so I mentioned that I am actually on a program at the moment and have lost 30kg so far and that I really did appreciate her compliments before because this is my first night out since I have been on the program. I still cant believe that 4 and a half months ago I weighted 112kg and had to purchase myself a size 22 pair of black pants similar to the one's I was wearing. I then told her that the one's I was wearing I bought today and they are a size 12! Well she nearly fell over! She said that it made her feel good because she can see how happy and radiant and proud I am. It was one of those nice warm fuzzy moments!

Didn't have a great sleep last night because I ended up being up and down as a result of the amount of water I drunk through the night so I am looking forward to an early one this evening to play a little catch up!

Today I have felt really good still. I just feel like my mind is so clear at the moment it's nice and kinda comforting.

Well better get back to work. The sooner I get it done the sooner I can head home!

Take Care

Lauren x

Lauren- Hearing about your night out just made my day! You have every reason to feel very proud of yourself, xo Cate

Thank you Cate. It's nice to know that I was of help!

Well today for some reason I had an extra spring in my step out of bed. I was up, had breakfast, dishes done, showered and dressed all by 6.30am! Amazing. I was going to head into work early but thought I would do a quick tidy around the place to give me one less thing to do tonight. I kicked LB out of bed, made the bed, got him is lunch, made my lunch and snacks, put a load of washing on delayed start and folded what I did yesterday. Then I put my face on and headed out the door. Amazingly still earlier than needed! I really do surprise myself more and more each day!

Had a flat out day at work and then popped to my sisters for a coffee (well tea) and catch up. Miss K was just ever so happy to see me and I got my biggest kisses and cuddles yet. Since seeing her only a few days back her vocabulary is broader again and much clearer. She really does just make me giggle. She's just such a cool kid. I was saying to my sister that this weekend I might do a bit of baking which would have to be a favourite past time. For some reason 'old fashioned keeping house' type things missed everyone else in my immediate and extended families on both sides and landed with me. I could think of nothing better than spending a day in the kitchen cooking and baking and then sitting down to a cup of tea and my knitting and crocheting. For a 27 year old some people just dont understand it and I have become what everyone else has a laugh at but when they eat what I bake I dont seem to her that ridicule. Anyway, because of my love of baking things I was saying to my sister I still want to do it often and at the moment I dont feel tempted to taste or eat any of it but I am still a little frightened for when I finish. I've had to cut back also because LB is put on about 10kg in the first 3 months of me on this program as what I used to bake and both of us gorge on was now only him! So I told her that I have decided to join the Country Women's Association and start baking to go into the state and country shows and fairs. She cracked up but then saw my point. I still get to enjoy the baking but because it's going into the show / competition then neither of us can eat it! Plus I told her that they are trying to recruit younger people and there are actually a lot of people in their 20's who enjoy these things like I do.

I did a bit of research on it tonight and am very excited. We are heading to the Royal Show tomorrow so I will go through the pavillion where they are and see if they have more info there!

She also said I can bake for them and the kids any time and asked if I could make some more cheesymite scrolls for Miss K. I make them a little smaller and she freezes them and just takes one out and heats it up when she needs a quick meal for her. I will make some up for her on Sunday along with some pretty cup cakes too!

Well tomorrow is going to be an exciting day for me as at 10.30am I am going in to get all my hair chopped off. I do this every 3-4 years. I cut my hair short, like really short, and then leave it short for about 2 years and then start to grow it. As soon as it reaches my waist I leave it long for about 1 year and then go get the chop again! I love my hair short for summer and it's the perfect time since as soon as I have completed my refeed I will be back following that black line up and down the pool and shorter hair is so much easier if you have to wash it everyday! I wanted to wait until I had actually finished but my hair has been starting to irritate me and I really want to give it a chance to thicken up and fill out before summer because I also want to try being a blonde! Because I pull my hair out with my OCD I have a number of bald patches which at the moment I can cover with a special hair crayon type thing but when it's blonde I wont be able to. I always seem to pull less when my hair's short plus since being on Cohen's and cutting out all the processed foods which make it ten times worse I now pull about 5% compared to what I did before. When it grows back because the hair is more fragile it breaks off easily and because there are a lot of short sections of hair I always where it up so I have half a head of hair that is about 3 inches long because the hair ties everyday make them break off there. So wearing my hair down short it will all be pretty much unnoticeable! I like my hair around my face so I think from tomorrow morning I will feel another sense of self. I do like my hair long also but hopefully it I can get pull free and stay that way when it's time to start to grow it out again it can all grow together!

Then later in the afternoon we are going to head down to the show. It should be a lot cheaper than last time since there wont be so much money just wasted on horrid show junk food. We just want to go and wonder around, go through the pavillions etc. Just nice and easy!

Sunday we are having my mum's Birthday lunch which should be nice. Just as easy meal. Dad is putting some prawns aside for me so I can do some salt and pepper prawns Cohen style when I get there. It makes him so much happier to at least provide my food for me even if he cant cook it. They are trying to 'be good' at the moment too so I wont be making my Oma's Dobosh Torte for birthday cake but instead I told mum I would make the really low fat and sugar cheesecake I make out of light Philly and light and creamy evaporated milk. I still haven't had the chance to taste it yet but apparently it's delicious. I'll swirl some mixed berries through the mix and it should be just delightful!

Well it's late. I better get to bed. I have a big day tomorrow and want to make sure I schedule my food right so that I can eat my lunch before we head out for the show!

Have a great weekend everyone.

Lauren

Hi Lauren

Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow. Would you be interested in posting some of your recipes here I am looking for different but healthy recipes to give for the kids lunches and just to get some new ideas.

Have a lovely weekend
Sam:)

Well my weekend was just fantastic.

It started with my haircut on Saturday morning at 10.30am. It turned out fantastic and exactly how I wanted it and it just looks and feels so wonderful – I can’t explain it. I was going to get it done once I had completed the program but really felt it was time. When I walked in the house LB was so stoked with it too. He said it looks 100 times better than what he even expected. Now when I look in the mirror, which I didn’t stop doing all weekend – ha ha, I actually see the slim, healthy, vibrant 27 year old I am. Before I was still looking at the frumpy Lauren but not feeling like her. As I said to LB I now feel like ME. The person my mind, body, emotions, feeling, senses tell me I am but now I feel I look like ME to, not just feel like that’s who I am. I feel the best I have in my life and I’m starting to exude that too! I have always been very confident and when I look back over my overseas photos I am always front and centre of every group shot. I will talk to anyone and frequently make new friends and then in the last 3 years I could count the number of photos I’ve been in on two hands, could count on one hand how many times I’ve been out to a public social place, i.e. pub club etc. I have just been hiding and I no longer want to.

To all of those struggling with their programs out there stick with it. This feeling of being in control of your own destiny and feeling and looking and portraying the person you really are hiding away under those layers is so worth the fight. Yeah this weight loss stage can be hard, tiring, frustrating at times but to be at a place that makes the rest of your world so much brighter it’s worth it. And from there, yes we still have to maintain it but surely that must be worth feeling like this everyday. This feelings I have had this weekend I will make sure I remember for when I have those bad days or when struggling at times, because that will surely happen too, but to have emotions to remember and call upon must be able to help us through those tough time!
After my haircut we headed into the Royal Show. It was easier than expected to resist all of that show food etc. We just strolled through the pavilions and had a really enjoyable afternoon. We stopped on the way home for a couple of drinks at the pub and then settled in for the night in front of the TV as we were both knackered.

I was up early on Sunday to prepare the blueberry cheesecake to take to my folks house for mum’s birthday and then also made up some a batch of cheesymite scrolls and a batch of ham, cheese and mayo one’s for my sister to put in her freezer for Miss K to have. We headed off to my parents house and I got to blow my mum and dad away with my new chic look which was good. When we walked in they had a slideshow of photos going on the TV and one popped up of me from 8 weeks before I started. I have been looking everywhere for a before photo and as much as this one is sitting down I think all of our jaws dropped at just how unhealthy, pasty and disgusting I looked. We all said isn’t it amazing how at the time you think yeah I (or she) could lose some weight but I’m (she’s) not that bad and then look at how far I’ve come and look again at the photo and finally I think I really really saw myself how I was. It was actually quite emotional!

Through my fathers persistence I allowed him to prepare my food for me. I told him to just leave some prawns aside and I will do it when I get there but he asked me what weight and how to do them etc and I gave it. It however ended up a disaster and I had to say to both parents please please can you just be ok with me bringing my own food. Please take this experience and just see that it’s easier and less stressful for all if I just bring my stuff along. It’s such a short time so can I just do my thing without you getting offended. Dad had cut pieces off added pieces on to get my exact 120g. I said to him prior that it had to be JUST the prawn meat. I could have stressed it anymore. I got there and he got them out for me to do my crumbing and he left the tails on. I maintained my frustration and proceeded to rip them off and reweigh them. He looked at me and said I left them on especially for you so that they would look nicer. I repeated again and said my weights have to be specifically just the raw meat. His response was the tails don’t weigh anything. Well the tails were going to cost me a 12g difference on my allowance. I asked where the other seafood was so I could make up the 12g and he had already marinated it all. So I took out some squid from the marinade and washed it off and eventually made up the 12g. THEN I walked inside and asked my mum where the salad that she said she had left out for me to weight was. She said she ended up using it all but I could take what I wanted out – she was just about to had dressed it and took a handful of tossed salad out and put it in a bowl and said is that enough and started to dress the bowl. By this time I was nearly in tears of frustration. We had discussed everything nearly every day for the last week of what they would need to do if they were insisting on doing it. I weighed the lettuce chucked the not allowed vegies back in her salad and then got out mushrooms and another tomato from the fridge to make up the difference. This is when I snapped and just said this is why I just need to do it. I told them I greatly appreciated their efforts etc but please just let me do this. When it’s over I will eat whatever you put in front of me like everyone else. It’s just weeks now… if I just went along with it because it wasn’t spot on it would have added another week to just how many it’s going to be. I think now they can appreciate the reasons behind me bringing my own food and it’s not because they cant provide for me!

Tonight I have shorthand class straight from work so it’s another late one. I just brought in an extra salad as the hot food was getting to painful to eat when I got there. I have to go out in my lunch break and get some fruit as we didn’t get around to doing the shopping on the weekend – EEK – and I had none but at least that means I will still have some for when I get home from shorthand. I find I’m often peckish on my way home from there – it must be all that concentration!

Sam – I would be more than happy to share some of my recipes but the bulk of the one’s I’m starting to collect for when I’m finished i.e. low carb, low fat etc are all from a website. I will PM you the web address as I’m not sure if I can post it. If anyone else wants to know just let me know and I will PM it through to you! Also with the scrolls I just make up a scone mix, without any sugar for savoury and with the standard amount for sweet one. Then I roll out spread / sprinkle flavours, roll and cut with a serrated knife saw like so not to squish the scroll and then put them on a baking sheet so that join up and bake in 180 oven for 15 mins. I made mini ones and ended up with about 50 scrolls in total all in under an hour from preparation to cooling.

Easy pesy – and great for lunch boxes – especially if you use organic wholegrain flours!

Have a great week everyone!

Lauren

Wow Lauren what a stressful day the birthday turned out to be. I was expecting the blueberry cheesecake to tempt you. Isn't it funny how the ones we love just can't understand what we are doing? I remembered when I first started cohens I had done a grocery shop and specifcally weighed out my meat for the next day with the rest to go in freezer for later in the week. My Hubby decided to put it in the freezer so when I got home from work the next night I didn't have any protein available for dinner. Boy was I mad, neurotic at that! I got changed out of my PJ's into some clothes, raced down to Coles, grabbed some meat and came home and made dinner. I was fretting about eating after 9pm so it was even more stressful. I can sit back and laugh now but I just remember how mad I was.

My dad is much like your mum and dad together, they ask me over for dinner, ask me what I can eat and I tell them precisely what and I get something completely different. Again I have to improvise like you pulling things out of here and there, washing and rewashing just so I don't get any extra kj / carbs / fat which may sabotage my diet. Mabye I have OCD?.......mmmmm

Have a good night.

Faithie

Lauren I loved your last post. I can relate to your seeing that image as "this is ME". I have been forgetting a little lately & am slipping back to hiding again. Thank you for reminding me! I would love to know that web-site address for the recipes if you don't mind please. I need some new ideas for healthy recipes & it would be great do get some things into the freezer. It would be nice to help out my DIL with some healthy snacks for my grandkids. Also I am not enjoying my cooking any more. You are doing so well & your positive attitude is well & truly inspiring. Keep up the good work, xo Cate.

WOW - This place was a hive of activity last night!!! It's great to see... Some old, some new - we all know how good it feels to come in and read new stuff and it really does help! Very exciting!

Faithie - Thanks for your post! It's good to know I'm not alone! I totally know and understand that they just want to be able to cook for me too since they are for everyone else and that's why I thought if I gave them all the info it would be fine, at worst no major deviation but I do really just think it's easier to keep on doing my thing and then when I've finished if they want to have a celebration dinner for the purpose of everyone eating the same meal then that is fine - great even because my father is such a wonderful cook! P.S. I do have OCDs but I think regarding the plan I am just super anally retentive! ha ha

Cate - Your posts always leave me with a smile. Thank you for your kind words and ability to appreciate exactly where I am coming from at the moment and the stage of self discovery I am going through. You are like everyone's master in here and we are the apprentices! We're ploughing through the learning and development stage (weight loss part of program) to become the master of our 'trade' (health and body) which you have achieved!!! You keep us grounding by showing us that once we get our trade it's not all smooth sailing, we still have to grow, learn, develop and master the skills of survival in that trade! You are a true inspiration!

I made things difficult for myself last night as when I left work I forgot to take my dinner from the fridge with me. Half way into the city I thought where's my salad - then it clicked. I was so frustrated at myself and thankful that I hadn't already eaten my second piece of fruit as I had already had my crackers! I had lunch yesterday at 12 noon so was due for dinner at 5.30pm and my class starts at 6pm. I dont get home from there until 8pm but I also had to do a quick shop to have something in the fridge for breakfast today. I had my orange at 5.30pm and it did a good enough job to tide me over but by the time I had done the shopping I was pretty hungry and couldn't get dinner cooked fast enough. I was also pretty tired so was frustrated about having to stay up another 2 hours too. That's when I jumped online to help pass the time and saw some many people buzzing around in here! I really enjoyed having the time to actually read through so many diaries too. It's been a couple of weeks since I've been able to catch up properly!

Shorthand was great. I am really enjoying and am glad I finally went through with trying to learn it. I really think it's going to provide some benefit other than just knowing that I can do it! Every week I surprise myself more and more and get more confidence with it!

Anyway... I started this post at like 8.30am this morning have been in and out of meetings and have forgotten what else I wanted to post!

I might drop back in later in the day!

Have a great day everyone.

Lauren

Hi Lauren

I would appreciate that website. I need all the help I can get at the moment. I find planning the family meals very mundine and tedious..Inspiration is what I need.
Have a great night.......You sound like you need some time out after your tumulatous weekend and busy work day.

Take Care
Sam:)

Lauren- Wow. That is so sweet! Thank you for your PM's also. I will email you tomorrow re the menu plan. Thanks to your gentle, but firm (I needed it!) nudge I went for my wacky walk & it was wonderful! I am so absolutely exhausted & haven't typed in my diary yet so had better do that before I seize up, xo Cate

Hey there Lauren, Congrat's on the size 12 what a feat, 15 years ago!! Hooray!!!!

Also congrat's on a stranger telling you that your looked good. Its a nice feeling to be told by someone you don't know what has nothing vested in you to be upfront and offer a compliment, especially a girl!! Yeah!!!

Congrat's on being a good girl too, I find that I either have the determination of steel or I'm a push over, nothing in between. What a great feat 4.5 months to loose so much weight and drop so many dress sizes. That has got to put a spring in your step!!

Faithie

Sam – I private messaged you on Monday with the website. Let me know if you didn’t get it and I will send again! Thanks for your post!

Cate – No thank you! I wouldn’t have said any of it if it wasn’t true! YAY – about wacky walkers… I left you a post in your diary!

Faithie – YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I NEEDED THAT TODAY!!! When I read your post you reaffirmed what I have been saying to myself since yesterday afternoon but I get sick of hearing it from myself sometimes so THANK YOU!!!

Well yesterday I had a frustrating day at work in the afternoon. Everything was going swimmingly as usual and then I went out and had lunch with a friend which was just lovely and then I came back to a message on my voicemail which just made my blood boil!!! I went down to sort out the issue and probably went a little overboard but think I defiantly got my point across. I told the manager and supervisor in question not to apologise to me but to apologise to the State Manager. He’s the one who has just forked out a heap of money that they have just wasted. It was just my time that they have wasted and that again is the State Manager’s time. They went in to apologise to him and he told them that their behaviour was completely irresponsible and not acceptable but his not the one they have to worry about… he told them it’s me they have to worry about and they better do something nice to make it up to me! Ha ha… my State Manager is so supportive of me and my role and it’s just great!

But from then on I just felt really agitated. Nothing was going to change that except for my excitement of having my weigh in at my Cohen’s clinic. This is the first full two week period after discovering the unintentional deviations I was having that was slowing my loss down, plus I just feel like I had a big loss this fortnight. Haven’t weighed once so it was going to be a complete surprise and I was just yearning to see that 7 in the first position. I did everything as usual for a weigh day through the day and then stood on the scales and saw 80.72. I was gutted. I hadn’t taken my measurements that morning, and that reminds me I didn’t this morning either (note to self – must do them tomorrow), but nothing anyone could say to me would make me less disappointed! We looked at my chart, and the one I do myself, and the whole way through since starting every 6 weeks I have a really low 2 week loss and a massive loss of cm. 6 weeks ago when this happened leading up to it I had totals of around 20cm per fortnight and then on this particular fortnight I had a 70cm loss. But even looking at that and seeing that it was dead on accurate to ‘my weight loss cycle’ didn’t help. I’m premenstrual, agitated, frustrated and in a mood that at the end of the day I wasn’t even sure seeing that 7 was going to change. At least I broke the 30kg... I must keep focusing on what I did do and not didn't!!! My consultant was concerned and just kept saying go home, measure yourself, don’t stress about it, keep doing what your doing etc etc. I think she was concerned that I was going to walk straight to the next building (which ironically is Hungry Jacks) and order a whopper with cheese value meal or something. As I said to her again deviating intentionally is still not an option and this is actually a good thing because it’s teaching me to skills to avoid emotional eating in the future. If anything I actually didn’t want to eat anything at all. I just wanted to go home and sit in a nice hot bath with a cuddle cup of camomile tea! I have to be thankful that my old ways of dealing with stresses, especially PMS as it’s always been a HUGE issue with me, no longer appeal to me. I just have the taste for it anymore, which was also a bonus because then I had to go and meet LB to do the grocery shopping. In the past grocery shopping when feeling like this just meant going to the confectionary isle, putting my hand on a shelf and emptying the contents into the trolley and then doing the same at the coke display! Ha

I said to Luke I have been talking to myself about how far I have come in such a short period of time and if I am still on the program into the new year then so be it… but I wasn’t wanting to listen to myself. He expressed some wonderful, supportive, caring and cherished words to me and we had a big hug at the car when about to head home. I asked him what the people coming out of the shops must think and his reply was ‘that we are saying goodbye, not actually going to the same house and by the way thanks for the groceries!’ ha ha… it was very sweet.

When we got home I unpacked, made dinner, did the dishes, ran a hot bath, put in lavender essential oil and bubble bath, some Epsom salts and just distressed. When I got out I made a cuddle cup of camomile tea, watched TV with LB while I drank it and went to bed. He said that only minutes after I went to bed he came in to ask me something, expecting I would be reading and I was already fast asleep and didn’t even stir when he came to bed later.

I woke up this morning – still foul, maybe even fouler! Got to work, within 5 minutes of sitting down had to deal with some more stupidity that just wasted another hour of my time unnecessarily so popped online to have a bit of a regroup! Read the posts from everyone, my day is now brighter than what it was and thought I would put my bit down while I was here. It always helps so much once I’ve put it down on paper so to say. It makes me realise how silly it all is but that I still have to deal with feeling like this for 2-3 days every month so I may as well learn from what was silly last month to make next month easier!

Well there we go… I feel much calmer now and am looking forward to my conference tomorrow as it will give me a day out of the office. Looking forward to trying out some of my shorthand skills too!

I hope everyone is having a better few days than me!

Take care

Lauren

Lauren-
I think there are gremlins about trying to sabotage us this week! We'll survive, stronger, fitter, healthier & happier. We'll have to tough it out! Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs, xoxo Cate.

Hey Lauren, I'm sorry to hear you didn't see the 7 yesterday as you wanted but like you said PMS has a lot to answer for! :)

The good things are that ;

even though you had a disappointment that you didn't race to the nearest food outlet (conveniently next door) but you took it in your stride. BIG pat on the back for that.

that you have a caring partner who is supportive of you and there to help you

that even though you work with stupid people that they have served as a distraction on an otherwise possibly seriously bad day...lol, it could have been worse and their stupiditiy could have driven you to the confectionary and coke isles :)

I hope you have a good day at your meeting tomorrow. Relax, unwind, if you can in a meeting... lol but most of all don't give up, you've come so far and have so little to go, don't let the evil PMS or stupid office people be the ones who push you over the edge...

just think it could have been much worse with a gain... now that would have made me suicidal! only joking, ups and downs are a part of life, no matter how anal we are about following the diet, our body will do what our body wants. Have you ever thought that your body just loves that little bit of fat, and knows your trying to take it away... now I'm sounding crazy... rationalising why the fat wont budge... well I hope if anything my post made you laugh.

Night

Faithie

Hi Faithie

Thank you and yes your post has given me a giggle - well a few!

Today was great! Lots of networking and tea! As usual when I'm not at work we did have a major incident but it seems it has been the result of a non-work related condition so it might not end up being too bad!

While in the city I stopped into my favourite tea shop and got some Sencha and Camomile plus a couple of their house bends for Activi-T and Immuni-T! I have just popped on while sipping some gorgeous camomile before bed!

I will write more tomorrow but just wanted to say thanks!

Lauren x

Hi lauren

Recieved the website thanks for that. Sorry the scales didn't read the way you wanted but like faithie said at least you didn't gain there is a positive to a negative.

And yes those damn PMT's I have it as well this week and feeling very agitiated and the gravings are hitting me big time. Tomorrow is weigh in day for me I don't expect a weight loss like last week and I am definitely not going to stress about it (which is difficult when you're going through the PMT's).

Hope you have a much better day tomorrow.

Sam:)

Don't we beat ourselves up about this? Trust me, it's the big intentional deviations that stuff it up - not the little ones. I used to be so obsessive about cohens....i'd weigh asparagus to the gram!!! I'm a bit more relaxed now and I'm mixing cohens with WW allowing me 8 more points while still losing weight. The best thing about cohens is the lack of refined foods eg bread...which bloats us. The worst thing is lack of fibre. I nearly quit half way through last year because of this.

Any way, small deviations (eg extra piece of fruit or wrong veg selection)help us get through a day sometimes....big deviations are ok too ...if you get back on the wagon straight away:) I had some big deviations last year...went to the royal show (are you a Perth girl?) and tasted everything in sight then went to northbridge that night and had a seafood platter......guess what? I still lost weight that week!

Hi Lauren! You are doing so well. I know that you are focussed & probably have a similar attitude to me about deviating. I'm sure cherub means well but I think it is more helpful to discourage deviating. We have enough people telling us to "just have a little bit" or "you've lost enough already" without reading it here. If some-one chooses another path that's fine, but to me it's like saying to an alcoholic "just one drink won't hurt."
Sam made me laugh with her gravings! Sam, are you craving gravy?
Enjoying your diary Lauren! xo Cate.

Well I have just been so flat out for the past 5-6 days I haven't even had the chance to come on a read any entries... WOW what a buzy little place this has been! It's great to see so many newies and oldies coming back and getting on board the support train! Well done eveyone!

Well I wont do a full update because when I do one day it's like a book, let along 5 days! ha ha...

Thank you Cherub for you post. A big deviation for me is using powdered herestetas instead of tablet form and having that extra cracker and/or piece of fruit! I do appreciate what you are saying and your perspective but I dont plan on being on the weight loss stage of this program for any longer than I have to so ZERO deviations is my goal. Everyday I live by 'if it's not on the list, dont have it' and it's got me through so far. I'm generally not one to beat myself up over things and tend to move on quickly - it's just a bit harder to get rid of frustrations when it's TTOM! Thank you again and I do appreaciate your input. I cant wait to hear more about how your mix of programs is going as I wonder about the future often, especially regarding feeding my body right in respect to the amount of training I anticipate doing (i.e. training for a triathlon)!

Cate, Cate - Thank you - I'm not sure there's anything more to say regarding your post. Your support and encouragment is always so well received and appreciated!

Well I have been feeling much better emotionally but have now just been going through my other pre-TTOM things where my costochrondritis flares up, I get sinus-ie and a little peckish more often. I'm not putting my current hunger between meals down to the program and refeed getting closer as every month on the program I have noticed I am hungrier around this time and it only lasts for a few days, so I'm just pushing through it.

Because my consultant is going on two weeks leave I am going for another official weigh in today and from what I saw this morning 'I'm in the 70's!!!!!!!' (sang in head whilst typing with joy) but not getting too excited as we will see what there's say this afternoon because I have a major lack of trust in my scales still!

I will come back tonight, if not tomorrow morning to post the results and a bit more blurb! Got to fly!

Have a great day everyone!

Lauren

Just a super quick pop on as LB needs the computer for study but went to my weigh in and 78.8kg.... YOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Will come back later!

L x

Wee Hoo!! The 70's!!!
Congratulations, xo Cate.

Hi Lauren...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

You've hit the 70's.... well done girl! I know how you're feeling too coz I just dropped into the magic 70's as well (79.4kgs - the DF forgot to take the scales with him to work this week so I had to have a peek he he)...

And now you only have 11kgs to go... Yipeeeeee

Jackie

Thank you all for your congratulations... It's been very exciting!

I've just realised how long it's been since I've written in here... Bad me... I figured that if I dont kick myself up the butt and write something now I will just keep making other priorities over it and then I will have nothing to come back and read at a later date!!!

Its been very up and down and very busy the last few weeks and thankfully I have had Cohen's in my life as that has given me the structure one needs in this kind of time! The structured routine and preparation I have come to love has been great and has kept me grounded at a time where previously I would just carry on like a chook with it's head cut off. I have had a couple of major downs and a couple of very emotional highs and every day I have been meaning to come in to share them and everyday it's gotten to me laying in bed thinking 'crap, I still haven't written in my diary!'.

I think I've had the realisation that I am not far off of refeed as I have just been feeling like a scatter brain, especially the last two days. I'm not overly hungry yet but am finding that I am noticeably peckish between breakfast and lunch, I'm fine between lunch and dinner, but then think about food from when I've had dinner until I go to bed. I have spaced out my snacks by having breakfast then 1 hour and 45 mins later I have 3 wedges (I cut my oranges into 8) and 1 salada square. Then the same again another 1 hour and 45 minutes later. Then lunch and the same between lunch and dinner and then after dinner I will have half an orange, 4 wedges, for dessert. Mentally though I just feel like I am an on exercise bike - peddling, peddling, peddling but getting no-where in reality!!! It feels like I'm trying to concentrate on too many things but when I look at my list it's more than realistic. I will start a task and even without a distraction I feel distracted from it but so focussed at the same time. I understand that I probably dont make much sense but that's what I feel like in my head. I will actually cross a task off of my to do list but then an hour later I will be like 'oh I have to finish that or do that' then I look at my list and see it completed and then have to look at what I did because I cant remember doing it! Very bizaar!!!

WARNING - PROBABLY TOO MUCH INFO BUT.... Being TTOM hasn't helped. I have found since being on Cohens that I will have my date I should start and then I need push it to the next week at the same time. Then it happens and so I recalculate and then get to that date, all the symptoms and side effects I suffer are there but it doesn't actually start till the following week! Frustrating, especially since it means that instead of 1 week of hell in the week leading up to it I have been suffering from 2 and that hasn't helped me in the last two week. Last Wednesday and Thursday I just couldn't cope. I actually had to take some of my anxiety tablets which it's been nearly a year since I last had one. LB was just perfect as usual and just let me bawl, ran me a bath in a tealight lit bathroom and then greated me with a warmed towel from the dryer to take me into the lounge, which was also tealight lit, and gave me a lovely massage before tucking me into bed. I am such a lucky girl. It's actually our 3 year anniversary today and his got a surprise for me tonight so I'm very excited to get home.

I'm not sure if I put it into a previous post or not but next Friday I have a black tie gala dinner to attend and I am going as the guest to one of our service providers. It is a very big event in Adelaide every year and have been a number of times with my fathers business. It's only me going however so I have booked a flash hotel room for the night so that LB can go and relax there for a few hours and then get ready to come and meet me afterward and we will head into the casino etc and have a bit of a treat for ourselves. Anyway, I have been stressing about what to wear because I haven't wanted to purchase a new gown or evening dress because I still dont know what size I will be when I stabilise and it's not worth the money so I went through my wardrobe and decided that I would just deal with wearing the bridesmaids dress I wore in my sisters wedding (2001) and just get it taken in. Luckily it's just a pretty straight forward strapless satin gown. I took it to the alterations place and asked how much it would cost to be taken in. It was only going to be $45 and then I asked about a couple of moderations also and the total came to $66. I was happy with that but still not estatic because it would have felt much nicer to be wearing a modern glamerous gown that said 'Size 12' instead of saying 'Size 16' that had been taken in. So I thought I must purchase myself a new bra though as a 16/18 across the back in a strapless one just isn't going to do the job right. I thought I'll just shoot into Target. I walked in and straight in front of me was this gorgeous little cocktail dress. I didn't know if it would be formal enough for black tie but thought I would try it on to see. That in itself was huge for me as I never try on things at the shop. I just buy and try it on at home and if I dont like it I just return it. I grabbed a bra too and went in to try it all on. I look at myself and just felt... hmmm... looking for the right word... special. I felt special. I wanted to see it in the outside mirror and stepped out and there was a lady there, probably mid to late 50's, with her daughter, my age, and grand daughter. This lady looked at me and just said 'Wow, you look amazing in that. That is just stunning. I cant believe it's from here it's so flash.' I got very emotional and started to tear up! She asked what was wrong and I had to explain to her I have never worn this size as an adult and never felt this good in a formal / cocktail dress, I've never felt so confident and amazing. I asked if it was dressy enough for a black tie and she said definately and then her daughter had to come out of her change room to look at me because of what she was hearing. I just felt amazing! It was only $50 so I saved on what I was going to spend on the alterations to wear something I didn't feel so amazing in so I just bought it.

I was so excited i went to my sisters straight from the store to show her. I put it on and her and my brother in law and his mother all said it was just perfect. It suited my figure and style of clothing just spot on (I only really wear V-necks as have always been heavy chested). My sister asked if she could try it on which was fine, especially when she (and her husband) said oh yeah that is gorgeous but it looks better on you (we have very different body shapes, I'm an hourglass and she's a pear). And then the bomb hit... Then she said 'this will be perfect for so and so's wedding', at this stage still fine, she then asked if she could borrow it for the wedding and I said sure, still fine, and then we were back in her bedroom and she was taking it off and she pulled out a coat hanger from her wardrobe, hung the dress and put it into her wardrobe. Situation no longer fine! I said 'ah excuse me, what are you doing?' she replied 'the wedding is this Sunday'. All that excitement just disappeared, I have told her she can borrow the dress but it means she will wear it two weeks before I even get to wear it and this dress and pending evening means so much to me. I asked her if it was ok to take it home with me tonight so that I could at least show LB and she can pick it up later in the week. I was bit upset when I got home because she knew, well she could see, how much of a big deal it was for me. I told LB and he was pretty angry, especially because of the hair situation and a few other recent things. At the end of the day she's my sister and I love her and this is what we do for eachother. Anyway she wore the dress and had to pin it to her bra and got a pull in it and I think she realised when she picked it up that I was upset that I wouldn't be the first to wear it etc so today she has called me to say that she has gone and bought me a new one. She will get a lot of wear out of it and thought she would be quite happy to keep it and buy me a new one because it is a big deal to me. Sometimes it's like we are twins, we know what the other is thinking without having to say anything, although I think my mum may have had a hand in it also as I had a bit of an unintentional whinge to her!!! It's very rare that we would have the same social occasion so there's no chance of rocking up to something wearing the same outfit!

Anyway that's probably enough of a book! There were some other moments that I should have written about that have occurred since my last post but that situation has really affected my week and as you all probably can tell by now I just dont shut up and have to go into great detail!

Still feeling good. The last two days have had an extra half of fruit one day and yesterday had an extra cracker so I'm hoping it wont play too much havoc with my loss for this fortnight... starting to look forward to refeed!!!

I hope everyone else is going well. It looks like I'm not the only one who's been a bit light on posts of late!

Have a great week.

Lauren

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t feel ready to start refeed because I still aren’t really that hungry but OMG my mind just cannot function. It’s been getting worse and worse by the day but today I think I have seen it all. I feel like what I imagine it would be like to have alzheimers. Today it’s been so bad that I actually said to the lady who sits next to me I am going to go around to the shops to get a proper coffee as it might help my mind be stimulated and while I am there I will get blah blah blah. Well I got in my car and drove to the shops, I was talking to my mum on the trip around there, pulled into the park and then said to my mum ‘I’ve just pulled into Mawson Lakes but I don’t know why. It’s 3pm, I should be at work!’ She reminded me that I was there to get a coffee, some gum and a couple of other things. Oh yeah that’s right so I went into Woolworths and got my gum and asked her if I told her what else I needed because I cant remember. Then I remember that before I left I was going to write a list of the 4 items because I knew I would forget them but I even forgot to write the list. For the last week I have had to write down what time I have eaten and when I can next eat and everything I do. I have been writing on post it notes and by the time the end of the day comes I have about 20 of them in my notebook. The weekend and today I have been particularly bad. I’m still not feeling hungry or ravenous, I’m still 5-odd kilos away from my goal and 9kg away from the top of Cohen’s goal but I can even function. I have been having the odd extra ½ piece of fruit or extra cracker, or maybe two even. I’m struggling to keep count. I have an appointment at Cohen’s tomorrow arvo and will speak to my Consultant about maybe at least ordering my refeed because this is ridiculous. I feel like I have been needing the extra food to feed my mind not my stomach. I struggled last week at work but as I said today… well I started this post at 9am this morning and it’s now 4pm… I have done 2 tasks 3 times already before realising I have done them. I have done basically no work because I cant focus for more than minutes on one thing but I’m getting frazzled because I have 10 things going through my mind of ‘oh I still have to do this or that’ etc. At 8am I started to complete a registration form for a training session, it needed my name, job title, work address and the course number and name and to be faxed through and I just saw it still sitting on my desk with only my name and job title. I am thinking about food every hour but when I say I’m not hungry I’m talking about my stomach grumbling and asking for food but maybe by thinking about it so much and having such a fuzzy mind it’s my brains way of telling me I’m hungry. I cant believe I have been sitting at work for 8 hours now and just looking at my list of things to do that I wrote this morning and have been adding too I have completed a registration form and made two phone calls. It is the most frustrating feeling ever…

I’m not even going to go into my weekend because I’m feeling just so confused and cloudy and I really don’t think it’s going to make sense to anyone anyway!

Thoughts, opinions and advice EVER SO WELCOME!

I hope everyone is travelling better than me at the moment!

Have a great week.

Lauren

Lauren- You poor thing. You know I'm wondering if all this is hormone related(hormones gone haywire?) I have just been reading over my diary of that time & I didn't seem to be similar. Mind you, I wasn't working either. I had a hysterectomy at 42 & I have probably gone through menopause. Hopefully your consultant will give you some insight & advice. I'm sorry I can't. Are you sure you're not pregnant? (Only kidding!) I'll have a look tomorrow to see what they say. Try to get some advice that will help you get through to your goal weight, without going totally dotty as you'll be disappointed if you don't, xo Cate.

You are going great, I have been reading your posts, and I too have been struggling for the past 4/5 days..and was so close to breaking point, but I have reevaluated and made a simple change and right now Im on top of the world. I was reading your post about the evening dress and I had tears in my eyes I must admit...i felt it hun i really did, I know where you are coming from.
I know fit into size 10 bottoms and 12 tops...which I am agob at to say the least...and i look in the mirror in amazement and disbelief...sometimes i can see the skinny me and other times i still see the fat me...sad but true...
Maybe you need to change something so simple. maybe more vitamins or something see if that helps
YOU are awesome and dont forget that
Cheers Genie

Cate - Thank you for you post. Sometimes I think I just need to hear from others than those in my immediate, physical life to help me put things into perspective! Pregnant... ha ha... yeah no not funny! ha ha... I really do think it is hormonal though because that's all been out of wack since I've been on the program timing wise (it starts exactly 1 week later than 28 days each time) but then at the same time they have been much more what I would class as what 'normal' should be... not that I've ever known! And then I tried that new contraceptive but that slowed my loss down considerably and then this should have been the first one since then but still hasn't shown! hmmm... that's what happens when you play around with nature huh! (sorry if that's too much info for some - all part of the changes!!!) I know I'm getting close to my goal because I'm starting to get to the borderline of where I what to be phyical-looking wise. I have a very heavy bone structure and in the last week or so my ribs at the top of my chest are starting to show. My boobs are starting to look fake, like they've just been placed there because of it. I have no aspiration to look like a annorexic celebrity just to get to a particular number! I know I am already in my healthy weight range (official weigh in and ticker update tonight!) but I am so very cautious of going too far. For me it's now about how I look and feel rather than what the scales say. For the first time in my life its not just about a number to me! My hip bones stick out when wearing jeans and my below bust rib cage is more than noticable when wearing a fitted top etc! I'm just taking it week by week at the moment. So I would still like to get to the goal I set for myself from Day 1 which is 72 but not sure, as I have never been, about going for the 64-67. I know within myself that I would not be disappointed to reach and stabilise at 72kg. Well just see...

Genie - I feel much better today but still cant seem to just focus on and complete a task. I had a big sook when I got home last night but I felt terrible sitting there crying about feeling all confused and 'lost' and my ever so lovely LB cuddling me telling me it's fine and just part of the process etc etc as it was his 30th Birthday and it should have all been about him and all happy celebrations! Your words really meant a lot though, it's good to know that there are others out there who are REALLY getting what you are saying. Not just appreciating or understanding what you are saying when you talk about your expereinces but really get it!

I'm feeling much better today so far but it still is only 9.00am! I still feel cloudy and confused but as soon as I got in this morning I structured my to do list a bit more so that I only have to focus on the one thing at a time and I've told myself NO EXCEPTIONS! I have been taking double vitamins etc anyway but also had some before bed last night too and woke up really well this morning so maybe for this end part I need to take them with each main meal!

As I said above, and I have said all along, that I would reassess where I wanted to finish as I got closer. I talked a lot to LB about it last night and I still tend to think around the 72 mark is good for me. That's in the middle of my health weight range BMI-wise but also where in the past I have felt most comfortable with myself. Also I need to take into account what my training and exercise schedule is going to do weight and body shape wise. As soon as I start my swimming I will shrink in size more but also expect to put on about 3kg in muscle, although it might not be that much because I haven't lost much of my muscle density. I would like to be at 72kg with my muscle gain but I also am very conscience of looking like a bag of bones. As I said further up my chest ribs are already noticable, my hip bones poke out very obviously when wearing jeans and cargos etc and when wearing a fitted top my rib cage is nearly more of a feature than my bust. I am a swimming from way back so I have really broad shoulders and I LOVE, and I mean LOVE, my curves!!! I, and my personality, is all about being a woman and still having great curves. I have an hourglass figure and it's very important to me to keep that. More important that a specific number. So at the moment I think I will just take it one week at a time. Because of my build and structure I am very aware and have no aspiration to look like Nicole Richie or Posh Spice (although she was my inspiration for my hair cut!!!). My sister on the other hand has a very fine frame and can get away with being a lower weight and still looking healthy.

I guess what I am trying to say is this program has been all about health to me and I dont want to keep plunging away to get to a particular number in mind to only end up look unhealthy or like I am being treated for a terminal illness. As I said yesterday I'm not feeling particularly hungry yet so I will still wait till that happens with consistancy as when I am feeling hungry it's just between breakfast and lunch!

Oh I had to do the yoghurt thing yesterday because I didn't realise I used all the eggs in the house in my weekend bake-fest and had to get myself a tub on the way to work... YUM YUM YUM... I never really had a problem with most yoghurts but I think in that first week when I bought the particular one I did it just put me off for this long... cant wait to start whipping up some berry smoothies for breakfast!!!

I will pop back in once I've been to my appointment to share what my consultant has said out my brain function and what it all means with where I'm at and when I will look at ordering my refeed etc...

SO SO CLOSE... it's exciting!

I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

L x

Lauren-I'm so glad I made you laugh! I do think it will be hormones. I do not miss them! I absolutely love my yoghurt now & couldn't live without it. I love the Tamar Valley yoghurt. I too, felt your pain with that dress. I was totally gobsmacked & didn't know what to say! You'll be right Lauren whatever number you decide to finish at. I am happy being my current weight. I actually like my little belly(not the muffin top-I'll have to work at that!) We are women after all & I have had 2 kids. Like you I too like my curves. I do not miss the fat a.... & thunder thighs though. Look forward to hearing what your consultant says, xo Cate.

Hi All

Well I haven't fallen into a black hole or detoured off into deviation-ville... After my appointment last Tuesday night, at which I was just completely irrational, irratic and so-not-me (sorry Bronwyn again if you do read this!) I was in such a manic rush because I had forgotten a number of things and had 6 people arriving within the hour for LBs 30th Birthday dinner with my family etc. Still had to pick up cake, get a few bits and pieces from the shops and order and pick up Chinese and LB had just called to say he was held up at work... oh yeah I also wanted to do a quick run over with the vacuum because K & P (nieces) would be at the house also and it's bad enough that my place is just soooo not kids orientated or friendly in the sense of things to keep them occupied with and furniture etc. So I didn't end up being able to get online to post what advice Bronwyn had given. She agreed with just boosting my vitamins but had never really heard of these affects before. So I arrived there in a mad panic, irratic, irrational etc and then left there feeling all that plus more confused, worried and frustrated because 'WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!'. Put on a happy face for when the guests arrived and basically just fell into an exhausted heap when they all left!
I haven't written since because of the following: -

Wednesday - Woke up at 4am with a worst than I have ever felt and had in my life headache that was 25% sinus (has been coming and going since weekend up in Clare with cats again) and 75% whole left side of head and EXTREME. Took a couple of over the counter strong codeine painkiller and went back to bed. Woke up at 6am and it was still there, still extreme and also making me feel quesy. Tried to get up, reached the couch and didn't move anymore. Told LB I wasn't going to work and went back to bed. He and my mum both very worried because I have been having these other brain function difficulties booked me into drs and I made it up there in the afternoon. He did a couple of tests and said that it wasn't a tumour or meningitis (sic) but I was right about sinus and until I can get in for a CT scan we will start to treat that. He also gave me some panadeine forte which then left me in la la land for the rest of the day. Slept, slept and slept some more. Struggled to make it to the toilet let alone post on computer. Dr also signed me off for the rest of the week.

Thursday - Woke up, moved matress into lounge as it's darker during the day in there than in the bedroom and slept, slept some more, then slept some more. Was high as a kite the entire day with the fortes. I really dont like taking medication that strong but I was barely even making it through the last hour before I could take some more the pain was the extreme so I didn't have much choice. Set my alarm and coped with my food etc for the day but hardly drank a thing. I kept trying to get it down as it would only help and with all the medication I needed to flush it through but I just couldn't stomach it. Every mouthful had me running to the bathroom as I thought it wasn't going to stay down.

Friday - Felt better. Had to go back to the doctors so couldn't take the strong stuff as I had to drive and I actually managed well just on the over the counter. When I got to the doctors he said that on Wednesday he would have liked me to go and get some blood tests but because of the state I was in he decided to wait to see how I was then. He said that he thinks I might be anemic. He said with everything I was saying about the fuzziness and confusion and then the tests he ran with my pulse and looking at me (eye lids, nail beds, bruising etc) I have all the symptoms and it would make sense. So After my appointment I went to the building next door to have blood taken and the lady stuffed it up which because I was unwell and then how much pain she was causing I ended up fainting and was also left with bruises in each arm which made me look like I had been shooting up drugs all bloody week! NOT HAPPY JAN. Went back home and packed the bag for our night in the city. LB and I had decided that we would wait to see how I was feeling as to whether I would attend my snazzy function or not but regardless we would still go and stay in the hotel we had booked and if I didn't feel up to the dinner we would just spend the night having a bit of R&R where there were no dishes to do, washing to be folded etc as the new WONDER WOMAN me is also probably a little run down on top of it all. LB cam home at 1.30 to get me to go to the CT Scan and then we did a quick dash around to Medicare and home, for me to rest on couch while he did a quick tidy and pack of his stuff, as his brother and brothers girlfriend we staying at our place the night. Then headed into our hotel room and just relaxed for a couple of hours before I got ready to go to my dinner. I was feeling much better and since I was just going to sit at the table and such a fuss was made over my food I felt I had to make an appearance, plus I was so excited about getting dressed up etc as 'ME' (you know - the real one!!!). LB walked me down to the dinner and I had a lovely evening. Bumped into many people I haven't seen for a long time, had photo taken for SA Life Magazine, was on a great table of people and my meal.... OMG - the portion sizes were so close also and they did such a great job. I had a chargrilled piece of beef with steamed bok choy and asparagus. I actually really enjoyed it! Over drank on the soda water but hey it could have been worse and I could have cleaned up a couple of bottles of wine (although even if I could drink I dont think I would have - my head was hurting and that was without the assistance of alcohol). At about 10.30pm I called LB to come and get me. He picked me up quite piddled and I was knackered so we just headed back to the room. Had a wonderful, luxurious sleep in the crisp sheets of the hotel bed and woke up feeling much much better, headache still present but now very mild.
Had breakfast (I took a tub of yogurt with me) and read the paper on the couch while it was LBs turn to wake up with a throbbing head, except his was self-inflicted!

Saturday - went for a walk through the markets, LB wanted to go to the zoo so we went there for 2 hours and then we headed home as LBs brother was there by himself and I was buggered and needed a nap and it was nearly my lunch time. Stopped at the shop for a BBQ chicken (the one food I still constantly yern for... what I would do for the juicy tenderness of a drumstick) and some rolls. Got home, made the boys chicken, cheese, salami, lettuce and mayo rolls with all the lovely fresh produce we bought at the markets, made myself a chicken salad (not with the delicious smelling BBQ of course!) and then I kicked the boys out of the house to the golf driving range and I went to bed. 5 hours later the came home as did Robs (brothers girlfriend) and I crawled out of bed feeling almost like a human again. We had dinner, watched a movie (well I got through half before heading back to bed) and a nice chilled out evening.

Sunday - Got up and had breakfast. Vegged on couch until everyone else awoke some 3+ hours later. Made them all breakfast, did some washing and hung it out, made myself lunch and then we headed out to some hardware stores, garden places and stuff like that. Then again last night it was an early one...

So all in all I am feeling much more human. I am still waiting for all my results back which should be today, that's just reminded me so I will call them in a sec, but if that is the case it would explain why I have been the way I have. I have already started on the iron tablets as a precautionary anyway (like I need MORE constipation - sorry) as I did add up my iron intake on a general Cohen's day and as much as I met the RDI I found on a website re: anemia what things can stop your body from absorbing iron from food into the bloodstream - they are:
1. Coffee - I have 1 cup every 2 days
2. Tea - I have 5-8 cups of green tea a day plus 2-3 cups of herbal tea a day
3. Chewing gum - I have at least 5 pieces a day (yes sometimes I go over but try and cut them in half so I get 10 servings in a day - I cant handle the bad breathe and the taste it gives in your mouth)
4. Artificial sweetner - I have 5 tabs a day.

So as much as I am meeting my recommended amounts I have been probably inhibiting most of that from being absorbed. So I have cut down my tea (I have actually only had my camomile and lavendar since reading it as I presume they are talking about tea from the camellia sinensis) and only 1 before bed each night and so therefore I also haven't had any sweetners. Still having my gum but hope cutting down the rest in the interim will help until I go back to the quack.

So I apologise if any of you have been waiting to find out what my consultant said re: what's been going on but until today I just haven't been up to sitting at a computer.

I've written more than enough for the moment so I hope everyone has been well. I will go and read some diaries now to get myself up to date!

Take care all.

Lauren

P.S. I really did feel amazing on Friday night all dressed up... I was beeming with pride and confidence... I sooooooo want to post the pictures LB took before I left but I dont want to ruin my Before and After showing off!!! I might just post a before and during for the moment... hmmmm... will have to think about it!

Hi All

Well has the last 5-6 days been ever so hectic for me!!!! Thursday I had an incident occur at the end of the day which held me up to no end. I spent the whole of Friday at Tafe, got home had no internet..., Saturday and Sunday full days at a gardening and garden design course and still having trouble with the computer and then yesterday I was in the city all day at the launch of Safe Work 2007! I have not had a minute to breathe and have actually had many a thing to say, well pen, in here but just not the opportunity!

Well as you can see I am only 4-odd KGs away from my goal and tonight I had an official weigh in!!! To my surprise I actually had a 3.78kg loss this fortnight which I guess makes up for the 1.8 and 1.2 of previous fortnights! I was starting to think that I was going to have to go through the holiday period on the program still and WHAM I pulled a big one! I am so so so excited because my consultant said that I need to go and have my last blood test tomorrow and she will order my refeed so that it is here and we can discuss it at my next fortnight's appointment!!!! HURRAH HURRAH HURRAH!!!! The JOY I cannot explain. Especially because I have actually reached refeed because I have reached my refeed weight not because I got discouraged and gave up at the last moment or ordered it because I was fed up with the process which is where I was concerned my thought process was heading a couple weeks back when I was all fuzzy etc! So my consultant said that she will order it for my next appointment and then depending on what I lose this fortnight I will be able to start straight away or wait until I hit the 70! I am so elated as I am again feeling wonderful and like 'ME' again!

So here is to the strictest 2 weeks of my journey, even though as far as I have realised I have been 100% for 98% (unintentional deviations of powdered form of sweetner instead of tablet etc). My strictness (is that even a word???) when feeling crap about it all and while questioning my abilities really rewarded me this fortnight... It's the home stretch now missy moo.... Actually realising refeed is so close now though has already installed fear into me just from hearing about others and the constant changes but I have taken it in my stride up until now so why shouldn't that be any different! If I need to get up 30mins earlier to ensure I'm prepared for the day then that's just what I'll have to do!

Also, tomorrow is my 6 month anniversary (as in 26 weeks not calendar months) so that makes it all the more exciting because he said 6 months and It's going to be closer than what I predicted! YAAAAA HOOOOOOO!

My next two weeks are so manic it's not funny! I have Safe Work 2007 seminars and training sessions, my FINAL day of my Diploma is on Friday (but I still have two assignments to complete before then), our garden and preparation is starting this Saturday, I have Nationals from work in the office for the next 3 weeks and I have already started my to do list of things I want to get finished, done, started before Christmas!

WOW - What a huge year it has been... Cohens, my grandparents both passing, my career going from strength to strength, completion of my hard earned qualifications, more home renos, LB starting a new career and taking on study part time, coming to terms with many demons... And I've never felt more on top of the world...

Well I will leave it there, dont need another novel!

I hope everyone else is doing famously and is on track and celebrating in their success of doing something so amazing for themselves!!!

WILL write more tomorrow...

L x

P.S. Found out what's had me ill - I've become anemic! My body is getting enough iron through the diet and vitamins but it just hasn't been absorbing it! Getting sorted but feeling myself again already...

P.P.S TTOM came today... Told ya Cate - ha ha ha ha ha... just teasing because of our previous joke shared! ha

Take Care...

Hi Lauren

You are so strong to keep going through all those tumultuos days. I am so glad you have been diagnosed and their is something you can do to get better. It must have been draining on you managing all these issues and still following Cohens. Well done.

And a big CONGRAT'S on nearly reaching refeed. You must be looking wonderful and feeling jubilient. I am glad you and your sister worked things out and I am glad you had a nice night out wearing your new dress. (Photo's would be great) when you're ready of course.

Your hubby sounds so supportive thank your lucky starts you have such a kind and caring partner in your life they are hard to come by. I appreciate mine, I don't think their is many who would put up with me but his stuck it out for 17 years.

Keep well lauren.

Sam:)

Hi Sam

Thanks for you post!!!

Just a quick stop by again - I'm hoping next week will start to slow down for me a bit so I can regroup my schedule! It seems to be all over the place right now!

I'm so excited to be within reach of my refeed although I have just been informed I have to go on a interstate business trip in November and if I start refeed when currently assumed (which of course may change!) then it will be slap bang in the middle of it which will prove to be a bit of fun!!! I'm hoping it will only be 1 night though so I should be able to keep myself organised with it all!

Anyway - got to run... just about to have 12 guys rock up for Saturday morning training!

L x

Well when I got into work on Saturday I had an email stating that I have to go to Sydney for work... I'm very excited about it but it was going to fall right in the middle of when I am theoretically going to be on refeed... I asked if I could push it back a couple of weeks to which they ever so kindly obliged to but at the same time couldn't go any further because of the time of year. So if I was to start my refeed within days of receiving it that will give me a 5-6 day buffer but what if now I'm not ready to start straight away. Now that I'm here I'm thinking I might want to push it further just because I can even though at the same time I've been looking at myself the last couple of days and am starting to get a bit bonier (in the upper chest and back) than what I'm actually comfortable with myself looking like. I actually find, especially my chest, quite unattractive and it makes me feel and have thoughts that I"m unhealthy... I still have over a week to mull over it and I will just pan it out as it comes! Also, I'm not hungry hungry yet. Well I was some 5kg back but that's gone away and I'm not sure if it's because I am busier and busier by the day and actually haven't had the time to think about it at all (have even been passing my lunch and dinner times without realising) but also because since being hungry last time I have my fruit and crackers so spread out that I dont think I'm giving my stomach a chance to get the message to my brain!

I'm starting to feel very excited but also very nervous about refeed... I just want to get it right so much that I think that's where the nerves are coming from... their not bad or negative nerves! I have been reading some other posts about refeed etc on both this forum and the other one and found that to be quite interesting... some people have written that they have been stocking up on all their favourite 'old' foods like biscuits and cakes and basically everything that put them in the position to have to do Cohen's in the first place. I dont get that, I really dont. Cohen's has had so many other benefits for me than just weight loss and although a lot of the small bits and pieces and processes I have known for a long time now it has made me really realise the impacts and qualify and quantify them. I have had many revallations and am making many decisions to stay like this for the rest of my life. At the end of the day, even though I have no desire at present, I may want to have chocolate etc once finished I anticipate chosing not too... I truely believe we are what we eat and not eating chocolate or the like for me isn't about the fat content or the potential weight gain aspect it's about the chocolate as a package. It is a processed food, it contains sugar, preservatives, additives etc etc etc, and maybe I'm lucky because through the program I have had my other benefits like because I've cut out the processed foods I no longer pull my hair out at the roots etc, but it's just a simple analogy now... That doesn't read right... But I need it to be there like it is because it's how my head is sa